The 'I'm not good enough' mantra

I’m currently lying in bed attempting to sleep and failing miserably.

My issue is I have the ‘I’m not good enough’ mantra playing on repeat in my head. I have managed to pause it for a while but then that wave of sickness hits my stomach and off it goes again.

I have always had it, ever since I can remember and I spent years believing I was the only one.

The fact is, we all have it at some point. In some way, about a particular part of our life or perhaps all if it. Sometimes it quietens for a period but then it rears its head once again and traps us in a spiral of self doubt.

Being a new mother mine currently stems a lot from my belief that I’m not good enough at it. I replay my labour, the first days and weeks of my son’s life and mentally berate myself – the ‘should haves’ fly around and are slowly fought off with the realisation that all is well and all was well. Just because I don’t have a hundred photos of me in those first days doesn’t mean I have failed. I did in fact cuddle my son enough, I do interact with him enough and yes sometimes I take him out of the house in his pyjamas but why is that even an issue? Why is it something I feel I have to explain, as if it even matters?

Before motherhood became my all consuming ‘I’m not good enough’ it was work, marriage, family, friendships, faith. They still arise sometimes just so I don’t get too complacent.

There are a whole barrage of thoughts that I wade through on a daily basis that seek to wear me down and sometimes they do, if I leave them in my head.

This post is raw, it is unadulterated vulnerability and it is scary to write but I have to. Fear tells me not to. Fear says to keep quiet.

I write this to dispell the lies I tell myself about not being good enough and I write this for you.
I write this for every single one of you who is hindered each day by a sense of not good enough.

You are good enough.

Whatever is playing on your mind right now, whatever you are in secret turmoil about, whatever pulls you down.

It’s a lie. The mantra is a lie.

You are good enough.

Feb 10

Behind the scenes life… Living unedited

I am not your enemy – why is motherhood a battle?

Comments 6

I have a four month old son. I am a mother.

This post may be somewhat contentious, it is not my intention but nonetheless it may be. The reason being? I am writing about motherhood and little did I know until four months ago what a minefield that is.

Pre motherhood I was oblivious and I am glad, I came into this arena wholly unprepared for the battle it would be.

Many of you think I am talking about the trial and tribulations of raising a child, the lack of sleep, the nappies, the concerns over health, development, growth etc… I am not. I am talking about other mothers.

Before I begin, l must stress that if you are a mother – I salute you. You are amazing, you do great and wonderful things every single day and you are doing an awesome job and I mean it sincerely.

I want to tell you something though…

I am not your enemy.

When I walk through the door of a play group, baby group, coffee shop, church or shop, I am not there to compete with you. I am not there to make you feel inadequate, I am not there for you to measure yourself against and feel smug about because you feel you are better.

I am like you.

I am learning as I go along. I had to drag myself into the shower this morning and make attempts to look presentable so that I could leave the house. I am afraid of making mistakes, of being too grumpy, too much, too little, over-involved, under involved.

I take a while to re engage in the world of adult conversation at times and so I may seem stand offish but I don’t mean it. I just need those extra five minutes to warm up. You know exactly what I am talking about.

My natural conversation topics are now baby related. So when I talk about my son’s sleeping habits it isn’t an attempt to seem as though I have a perfect child and have it all together but simply an attempt at opening a conversation and finding a common ground.

Can I ask why as mothers we look at each other with such suspicion? Why if your child is older than mine do you not deem me worth speaking to? Why do we often like to put each other down or be scathing about the little things we celebrate?

Can I ask you what you love about being a mother? Can I ask you why you don’t talk to me about that? Why don’t you tell me about all the things I have to look forward to rather than running down what I enjoy.

I am not your enemy.

If you breast feed, formula feed, have a strict routine, go with flow, bath your child every night, bath them every few days, stay at home, go to work, post selfies, keep your photos private, are part of an NCT group or not, have a child who is under a year or over a year old…

I am like you.

We are all mothers – why make it a battle?

Jan 04

I choose nurture

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My one word for 2014 – Nurture

#oneword365 @oneword365

Choosing one word is difficult I had considered a few others and how they would play out if I focused on them for every day of the nest year so why nurture?

Type nurture into google and it offers the following –

Definition: care for and protect (someone or something) while they are growing.

help or encourage the development of.

cherish (a hope, belief, or ambition).

synonyms:bring up, care for, provide for, take care of, attend to, look after, rear, support, raise, foster, parent, mother, tend; encourage, promote, stimulate, develop, foster, cultivate, further, advance, boost, forward, contribute to, be conducive to, assist, help, aid, abet, strengthen, advantage, fuel

Being an English teacher I find synonyms useful in helping to understand the scope of a word, the many facets that it holds. Words are not just one dimensional after all. The list of synonyms inspires me and is aspirational – it opens up so many possibilities in how this one word can become a lifestyle.

As a ‘new’ mother ( my son is 14 weeks old) nurture features heavily in my vocabulary and I see the daily benefits and effect of nurturing a person. This is something I am actively doing with my son each and every day and it got me thinking about how to apply it to all areas of my life.

Nurturing people involves encouragement so I need to approach each day with that it mind. What can I do and say that actively encourages those around me and more importantly what do I choose not to do and say which may discourage?

What can I nurture within myself? My blog posts have been conspicuous by their absence recently. Why? I have neglected my writing. My to read book shelf has stayed full. Why? I have neglected my reading. Both of these things are important to me and who I am as a person, I have not looked after myself in this respect and subsequently by ability to nurture and look after others has been hindered.

That’s a thing isn’t it? One we don’t often acknowledge. Is it fear of sounding selfish or self indulgent? I am not a fan of ‘me time’ as a phrase but I do like ‘be time’. We all need time to ‘be’ sometimes and that will look different for us all. For me, it’s taking some time to write or read. This replenishes my sense of being and restores my nurturing abilities. The tension is that I love to be sociable and find it energised me. Reading and writing are not social activities – they can become so but initially it is a solo activity. So, I need to develop some solo time into my life. The key is ensuring balance.

What am I going to do – actively. How will I live with nurture as my word?

Below I am going to bullet point some ideas – things to aspire to. Ways that I can incorporate this word in my life without it becoming a chore but an integral part of my year.

Continue to create memories and traditions with my family
Take part in the #emptyshelf challenge ( see @jonacuff) this will encourage me to read and be accountable for what I have done – not in a negative way but motivational one.
Aim to blog once a week.
Send that text, email, card, note to someone when I initially think of it and not procrastinate.
Embrace my role as a mother as part of my whole not all of my whole.
Develop new and existing relationships through meals and social time.
Re start my book club.
Take care of myself and others.
Remember that nurture is ultimately all about love.
Cultivate my relationship with God.

Now a list may seem a little clinical perhaps? Or maybe arduous but when I look at it I am excited about getting going and reviewing my progress. I am inspired and encouraged by it. For me, it It is all about nurture and I can’t wait to get started.

What does nurture mean to you?

When was the last time you experienced being nurtured?

What would be your one word?

Sep 17

Making the most of your 'moment'

Comments 7

This image popped up on my Facebook page a few days ago and it spoke exactly to where I am right now.

Today, I am 39 weeks plus 6 days pregnant. Part of me can’t believe it and another part feels I have been pregnant forever!

So my next ‘moment’ will be motherhood. The thing is, I have no way of knowing when this ‘moment’ will arrive.

At this point it would be so easy to just become static and wait. To count down the days and hours until I reach it.

I have been offered the common place advice of eating curry, hot food, pineapple, drinking raspberry leaf tea, walking and of course sex to kick start my labour.

There is a sense of expectation and excitement of what is to come.

The quote above got me thinking though. What about right now? Does the fact I am about to have a baby make all of this time pre baby redundant? Does this current ‘moment’ I am in not matter?

I have a choice here. I can believe that as I am in a transition, I have nothing to offer until I become a mother or I can do all I can, as I can right now.

I don’t want to miss out by rushing ahead. I don’t want to miss opportunities that I will not get to have again.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you? You may not be pregnant but are you rushing to get to a new ‘moment’ rather than making the most of the one you are in?

It may not be where you want to be. It may feel uncomfortable, difficult or dull but right now it’s your ‘moment’

Will you make the most of it?

Jul 11

What's on your mind?

Comments 4

Today, as I sit writing this post looking out of the window at the sunshine, I want to ask you a question: What’s on your mind?

Before you saw the image with this post did you realise that is what Facebook asks you every time you update your status?

Why is it that we happily post on Facebook and Twitter about our thoughts but if I were to ask you that question right now I am guessing the initial answer might be ‘Nothing.’ or ‘Not much’ but is that true?

Even discussing ‘What’s on your mind?’ on social media is somewhat of a facade – no one ever really posts exactly what is on their mind. We post modified thoughts, acceptable thoughts, things that will appear funny and engaging. Things that will will portray what we want them them to.

What about with God? What do you say when God asks you the same question? Do you modify your answer? Go for the ‘acceptable’ stuff?

We are often carrying many thoughts in our mind, it is often full of questions, concerns, worries, to do lists. We can lose ourselves in it all sometimes.

I really feel that today God wants to free you from all of that. Free you from your ‘thought baggage’ the things that play in your mind over and over again that you have just accepted and learnt to deal with. The things that wake you up at night that you have never shared. The worries that you can convince yourself you have overcome but that catch you unawares when you are least expecting it.

We are told in the word:

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

Are you experiencing the freedom of a ‘sound mind’ today?

What are the things that are plaguing you, keeping you captive, holding you back?

Are you afraid to speak them aloud?

I believe today that God is calling us to speak them aloud so that he can deal with them, so that we are not held prisoner to them, so that they do not have control over us.

We do not need to be fearful – we do not have a spirit of fear.

We need to remember we are loved. We are love with an unconditional, everlasting love.

Perfect love casts out fear…

Will you tell God what’s on your mind today? The unmodified version?

Jul 07

Walking with God

Comments 3

The phrase ‘walking with God’ is one that is often used but do we really think about what it means? In Genesis God walked with Adam and Eve in the garden – amazing. The closeness and depth of relationship that allowed.

It is available to us right now thanks to Jesus’ death and resurrection but how many of us take hold of it?

At times in my own ‘walk’ I am guilty of holding God at arms length, or of treating our relationship as one of sharing platitudes with a lofty far away being.

When you walk with someone, you tend to walk side by side. At times they may go ahead of you and make sure the way is clear or that you can safely navigate. As you walk, there is a dialogue, a conversation and it allows a certain closeness. You walk in the same direction and you make progress together.

Today, I felt like I was finally in step with God once again and I realised that the one thing I did differently was to just be and not do. Sounds simple? I really think it is that easy.

Recently in my Christian life I have tried to force things I realise. I had been over thinking everything that is had rendered me all but silent. I didn’t pray out because I convinced myself I needed to have all of my words in order before I began. I didn’t sing out because I only had one line. I prayed for people but didn’t step out in bringing words in case they were wrong.

This morning before church I listened to some worship songs and let myself just be and worship – out of that came a prayer for our church that resulted in tears as I saw God’s love afresh.

When we prayed before the service I was amazed to hear the words I had prayed privately in my kitchen being repeated by different members of the congregation and I prayed out myself, speaking boldly, not stumbling over my words.

After communion, there was a time of ministry and prayer. I prayed for a friend and her daughter and two other friends. As I prayed it wasn’t about me but all about what God wanted to do and say. There was a real freedom in that , one that I haven’t experienced before. I was not self conscious because there was no ‘self’ in what I was doing.

There had been a word brought about God wanting to release the gift of Prophesy – as you know if you have read my previous post about dreaming big dreams – this is on my list. I didn’t have prayer about this as I was praying for others but I felt in my heart that it had been for me and I felt really encouraged as it is only so recently I have spoken this dream aloud.

I was helping pack up after the service and the pastor spoke to me saying that he believed the word about prophesy was for me. That as soon as it was brought he thought it was for me and he looked over at me and my bump ( I am 29 weeks pregnant) and felt that God was birthing words in me, that this was a time of preparation and expectancy for things to come.

I explained that it was really exciting to hear that as I had felt that God was birthing new dreams and visions within me through my pregnancy and that I had recently finished reading ‘A life unleashed’ by Christine Caine in which she uses the stages of pregnancy to describe dreams being birthed within us.

Far too much for coincidence and so much in a short space of time from writing that first post of speaking my dreams aloud. I am definitely maintaining momentum and it is is truly exciting.

So, today I felt that I finally understood what it meant to be ‘walking with God’ and that there is no better feeling.

How is your walk with God? What has He been doing in your life? Do you need to rediscover what it means to be walking with God?

Jul 05

Coffee with God

Comments 7

I started reading a book this morning ‘A life unleashed’ by Christine Caine and one of the suggestions she makes in the first chapter is to have a coffee with God.

This got me thinking about the way I often approach God – with a list of requests or some hurried thank you or a few rocket prayers. How at times, I can fall into the trap of over spiritualising my quiet times and over complicating them.

What is it about coffee? Coffee shops are springing up everywhere. Our language has been infiltrated with hundreds of descriptions of different coffee combinations. Our high streets are saturated with them, often next to and opposite each other and sometimes even more than one branch within a few hundred metres.

I don’t actually think it is because we have become a nation of coffee connoisseurs ( you may beg to differ) but more to do with the activity and act of going for a coffee. Common parlance is ‘Shall we go for a coffee?’ Let’s meet up for a coffee.’ This is rarely about the coffee itself but more to do with sitting together, conversing, enjoying each other’s company – sharing with each other. Coffee shops offer the opportunity to sit, watch the world go by, enjoy a hot drink ( which we all know makes everything infinitely better) and to talk, face to face.

I love to ‘go for coffee’. I find it relaxing and one of the best ways to catch up with someone.

So, the question is why, when faced with the suggestion to have coffee with God did it seem like a revolutionary concept? Why have I separated something I do so easily and commonly from God?

The conversation over coffee flows easily, it is not hurried, there are moments of stillness and silence that are not uncomfortable. There is a sharing, a bonding and an important part of relationship building and strengthening that goes on. Surely, it could also be this simple with God?

Conversations are two way – so today as I sit with my coffee ( decaf latte, no sugar) I am going to invite God along. There are a few questions I have for Him, a few things I need to say, some asking of why? about situations people close to me are facing. How are certain things going to happen and come to fruition? I also know there is going to be a lot of listening on my side too – moments of stillness and moments of silence.

Who do you most need to have coffee with today? When did you last have ‘ a coffee with God’ moment?

Jul 02

Dreaming big dreams…

Comments 11

Today is one of those moments, beginning a new journal full of hope and expectation – determined that you will record in it regularly but deep down knowing it will tailor off, you will become complacent, it will become another part filled book.

The thing is, that is not an option this time. This time is different. The difference is I recognise my freedom and I won’t give in to fear.

I have ‘couched with fear’ (to quote Livy Gibbs) for far too long and it has done nothing but hinder me in my spiritual life. I won’t do it anymore.

As I sit here, 28wks pregnant and feel my baby kick, I am reminded that ever since I became pregnant, I have felt The Lord is birthing something new within me. A new vision and a new hope. (I was recently reading ‘Lioness Arising by Lisa Bevere and was encouraged by her feelings when she was pregnant) The veil has been removed and I now see clearly what I haven’t before.

Now is the time to dream big dreams and to step out in all God has for me.

So what does that mean? Speaking aloud the dreams I have, not being afraid to say I want to be influential for God. Not being afraid of what people might say.

1. I want to write a book
2. I want to preach
3. I want to develop the gift of prophecy and healing
4. I want to impact my society
5. I want to live by faith, no longer constrained by worry.

Pretty big dreams right? Things I cannot do on my own and in my own strength, which is exactly the point.

I have spent too long constraining myself to do the things I knew I could do and relying on myself and not God.

That is not an option for me anymore. The journey begins…

What are your big dreams? Are you brave enough to speak them aloud? I would love to hear from you.

Apr 16

We are called to love…

Comments 2

Have read a lot of Adrian Plass recently. Completely compelling writing, tongue in cheek at times but also quite pointed. Has made me think a lot about Christianity and church.

‘The Church’ to the outside world is often viewed as a place full of pious, out of touch people who closet themselves away on a Sunday, sing hymns and feel that they are superior to everyone else.
TV does little to dispel this myth. Have seen a couple of dramas recently where the Christian character comes across as a ‘weirdo’. One of the most high profile churches in the media is Westboro Baptist known for their messages of hatred.

Church in reality is very different. I tweeted on Sunday that I had really enjoyed church because it felt like family. Now when we consider the word family, we think of different generations, personalities, characters etc who all get together and spend time together because they are related. For me, church is the same, I spend time with people of different ages to me. I love the fact that my friends would not be considered my peer group. I have learnt so much and been really supported by having friends of different ages. This is something that is often missed out on.

Also, like family there are times you fall out, people get on your nerves and it can be strained but ultimately what unites us is so much stronger than that. There is a shared mutual love and support and an inbuilt support system when things are tough.

Sometimes we get things wrong and that is because we are all broken, messy people. We don’t have it all together but we do have each other and recognise that we are better together than we are apart.

It is not an exclusive club it is an inclusive club.

Sadly, many people will not set foot in a church because of misconception, because of the message that has often been heard, because of silence when there should have been words.

Ultimately we are called to love and we all need to get that little bit better at doing just that.

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