I’m currently lying in bed attempting to sleep and failing miserably.
My issue is I have the ‘I’m not good enough’ mantra playing on repeat in my head. I have managed to pause it for a while but then that wave of sickness hits my stomach and off it goes again.
I have always had it, ever since I can remember and I spent years believing I was the only one.
The fact is, we all have it at some point. In some way, about a particular part of our life or perhaps all if it. Sometimes it quietens for a period but then it rears its head once again and traps us in a spiral of self doubt.
Being a new mother mine currently stems a lot from my belief that I’m not good enough at it. I replay my labour, the first days and weeks of my son’s life and mentally berate myself – the ‘should haves’ fly around and are slowly fought off with the realisation that all is well and all was well. Just because I don’t have a hundred photos of me in those first days doesn’t mean I have failed. I did in fact cuddle my son enough, I do interact with him enough and yes sometimes I take him out of the house in his pyjamas but why is that even an issue? Why is it something I feel I have to explain, as if it even matters?
Before motherhood became my all consuming ‘I’m not good enough’ it was work, marriage, family, friendships, faith. They still arise sometimes just so I don’t get too complacent.
There are a whole barrage of thoughts that I wade through on a daily basis that seek to wear me down and sometimes they do, if I leave them in my head.
This post is raw, it is unadulterated vulnerability and it is scary to write but I have to. Fear tells me not to. Fear says to keep quiet.
I write this to dispell the lies I tell myself about not being good enough and I write this for you.
I write this for every single one of you who is hindered each day by a sense of not good enough.
You are good enough.
Whatever is playing on your mind right now, whatever you are in secret turmoil about, whatever pulls you down.
I posted this image on my Facebook page recently –
It seemed to resonate with many people and yet we all continue to do it.
It started me thinking about how I could live more of my behind the scenes life in the open. I don’t want people to think that they know me, or create a version of me from my highlight reel.
Truth be told much more of my behind the scenes life can be seen on Twitter rather than Facebook. This is partly because of the nature of the sites and also personal choice. I have made attempts to be more open by sharing my blog posts on Facebook, something I never would have done a year ago.
I also decided I needed to show more of my behind the scenes life day to day too. It’s scary and it makes you highly vulnerable but there is something really releasing in it. The realisation that there are people who accept you just as you are, exactly where you are.
I experienced this on Friday firstly with friends from our antenatal class – It had been a tough night with little man and my energy levels were at an all time low which in turn affected my conversational ability and a I felt a wreck but I walked to our baby sensory class and was met with hugs and support. We then had lunch and I could just sit and be, nothing was expected of me.
I then visited a friend, another mum, someone who doesn’t quite realise how brightly she shines in what can be a very grey world. Someone who despite feeling rough herself was happy to hang out ‘warts and all’ and who without knowing it reminds me who I am and can be every time I am around her. I truly live my behind the scenes life with her and it is when I am most alive.
I lived unedited, unfiltered. I need to do it more and I think you do too.
It scares me, it’s uncomfortable, it’s far easier just to hide.
But…
It becomes all consuming living a highlight reel. The desperation to post the beautiful photo, the clever status, to come across as the perfect mother, sister, wife, friend, worker, Christian. It’s tiring. It’s unsustainable.
At the beginning of the year I chose nurture as my #oneword365 and as we are now in February it’s probably an idea to think about how that is going.
I am currently sat in front of the television with a blanket wrapped around my shoulders and my husband’s monster slippers on. I have a cup of decaf tea and a bowl of sugar puffs.
My 4 month old has gone down for a nap and my slippers and cardigan are in the same room.
I consider the week ahead, our timetable of events. I feel more awake than I have for a while thanks to a good night’s sleep.
As a parent, I realise that talking about sleep, naps and being pleased my son does both can be a source of contention. In fact talking about children in general opens you up to a plethora of responses – some less than desirable. The only thing I know about is my own son. I don’t paint myself as an expert, a super parent or earth mother.
In some respects to nurture myself as a mother I should simply avoid opening my mouth to speak about anything child related but that has never really been my style. I have learnt that you need to have a thick skin and to keep talking. I have also learnt that the world of motherhood can be the most cliquey arena of all. Let’s all just talk to each other a bit more hey? At groups, in coffee shops etc… It’s not a competition, why don’t we try nurturing each other a bit more?
As a Christian, I acknowledge that I have fallen into the trap of believing there is a specific mould I should fit in to and that had rendered my silent for a while. Instead of nurturing my faith I hid away becoming slightly insular, turning up but not really being there. That’s stopped now. I speak, I contribute, I use my voice. It was quite easy to convince myself that nurture was about keeping safe and quiet.
As someone who likes to blog, I wrote a post at the beginning of the year about nurture and then stopped blaming time constraints or making excuses for my lack of posts. So easy to do, so easy to avoid writing posts but as someone who is fairly creative it wasn’t nurture just simply avoidance and giving in to the ‘I’m so busy’ mentality. The same with reading…
So it could seem like I haven’t been doing so well at nurture.
But I don’t feel that way. This isn’t a post about beating myself up because I think I have failed.
It has been about discovery, for the first month of this year I have been discovering what nurture isn’t and challenging my own perceptions of it.
I have spent a lot of time with friends, enjoying their company, asking for support when needed.
I have begun to realise that I need to allow myself to be nurtured by others and have taken steps to allow myself that vulnerability.
Nurture isn’t about hiding away, it’s about growing. It isn’t about being quiet, it’s about finding your voice and using it. It’s not about making excuses but about being proactive.
One month in and I don’t think I’m doing so badly at nurture at all.
I tweeted this quote from ‘Am I Beautiful?’ yesterday because it really spoke to me.
The world is too broken for us to be preoccupied with feeling ugly. And life is too short not to feel beautiful.
What I tend to do with books is devour them in a matter of hours and then reflect on them but something has prompted me with Chine’s book to take it one stage at at a time and not rush to the end. There are far too many gems and deep truths to decipher in one sitting.
This one quote provides enough to write a hundred blog posts on – it opens up so many avenues of thought.
Firstly, why, especially as women are we often preoccupied with feeling ugly?
For some, it becomes a default setting and it works in distracting us from the broken world around us.
What a master stroke of genius to ensure women ignore their attributes and abilities. What a way to keep us silent, static, solo.
Admit it, when you meet other women there is an element of comparison that takes place as a first thought.
There is a deep rooted sense of competition that hits us before we even consider the wider benefits of companionship. Why?
What are you and the world missing out on because you wrote that woman off as a competitor rather than a companion?
It comes down to this seed that plants in us, this word ‘ugly’.
In my previous post Beauty, Identity and asking the question I asked when we first acknowledged and had an understanding of beautiful and now I ask the same about ugly.
We all have our own definitions but where did we get them from and when? Why do we allow ourselves to be held captive by it?
What have you failed to do, say, step out into because you have allowed yourself to become defined by these words?
Think about it. Think about the women you know, those who you have allowed to become companions and those you keep at arms length as competitors. Do you need to have a rethink have you unwittingly caused someone to feel ugly because of your decision?
Do you need a rethink? Do you need to reach out? Do you need to be vulnerable and admit exactly where you are at?
Do it today. ‘Life is too short not to feel beautiful.’ this applies to you but who else needs to know it today?
To those women who I have written off, made to feel ugly or placed as competitors – I am sorry.
This image popped up on my Facebook page a few days ago and it spoke exactly to where I am right now.
Today, I am 39 weeks plus 6 days pregnant. Part of me can’t believe it and another part feels I have been pregnant forever!
So my next ‘moment’ will be motherhood. The thing is, I have no way of knowing when this ‘moment’ will arrive.
At this point it would be so easy to just become static and wait. To count down the days and hours until I reach it.
I have been offered the common place advice of eating curry, hot food, pineapple, drinking raspberry leaf tea, walking and of course sex to kick start my labour.
There is a sense of expectation and excitement of what is to come.
The quote above got me thinking though. What about right now? Does the fact I am about to have a baby make all of this time pre baby redundant? Does this current ‘moment’ I am in not matter?
I have a choice here. I can believe that as I am in a transition, I have nothing to offer until I become a mother or I can do all I can, as I can right now.
I don’t want to miss out by rushing ahead. I don’t want to miss opportunities that I will not get to have again.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you? You may not be pregnant but are you rushing to get to a new ‘moment’ rather than making the most of the one you are in?
It may not be where you want to be. It may feel uncomfortable, difficult or dull but right now it’s your ‘moment’
Last night at life group we were discussing ‘Jesus on Stress’ from Phil Moore’s book ‘Gagging Jesus.’
It was interesting to have a frank discussion about the things that we get stressed about and how we deal with stress. For many of us prayer was last on the list.
That is often the case isn’t it? Prayer is our last resort – when we become desperate, when we get to our wit’s end and there is nothing else we can do to sort out what is worrying us and causing us stress.
What’s interesting in the book is that it explains that Jesus teaching on stress:
It tells us that stress is the chief symptom of our idolatry and self-worship
Read that sentence again. Quite hard hitting isn’t it? Few of us would care to admit that we partook in idolatry or self worship. The truth is, many of us are.
“I’m worried” is just another way of saying “I’m not convinced that God will do his job without me… I’m feeling stressed” is just another way of saying “I’m trying to do God’s job for him and it’s not working out for me.”
How often do you use those phrases in your everyday life?
How often do you attempt to do God’s work for Him?
In our human nature we like to be in control and the truth is we can’t be. We need to fully rely on God.
Our stress and worry draws our focus away from God and puts it onto ourself. We do all that we can to solve our own problems. We forget about prayer, talking to God. We lack faith that God will come though for us.
There were a number of contemplative silences as we discussed this last night. As the realisation sank in.
It is so easy to get caught up in the busyness of life, in the issues that arise, in the striving and problem solving and desire to force things to work themselves out.
It is so easy to become self reliant, to feel that we are masters of our own universe and that we can do as good as or even a better job than God. We will sort it out faster, we know what needs to happen and we will fix it all.
The thing is, we are not called to go it alone. We are not created to be our own personal saviour.
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30
So, today at the end of the week how about taking Jesus up on his offer?
Go to him, find rest for your soul. Free yourself from the weight of worry and stress.
I’ve just got in from my friend’s flat. I was waiting for a delivery from Ikea. I am so thankful that delivery drivers now call an hour before – this meant I didn’t have to sit there all day but could just pop up the road about ten minutes before their arrival.
I am now waiting at my own home for another delivery within an hour window. How convenient!
That can be the problem sometimes can’t it? Convenience.
The quality of being suitable to one’s comfort, purposes, or needs
This is how we would like life to work all of the time isn’t it? Being suitable to our comfort, our purposes and our needs. But it’s not.
The life we are called to says different:
“Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.”
Not much about convenience there. Comforts, needs and wants don’t seem to feature.
Now, if you are like me then the concept of denying yourself doesn’t really come naturally or seem all that appealing. Our nature is to be ‘all about me’ to think about self and ultimately be selfish. Jesus came to counter that – the Holy Spirit works within us to counter that. Thank God! There is no way I could do it alone.
In the UK at the moment we are having what we like to call a ‘heatwave’ and the rest of the world looks at us funny and quietly suggests the word ‘Summer?’
We have been through months of cold, wet, rainy weather and months of moaning and now we have sunshine and heat – it isn’t exactly convenient. We love this weather when we are abroad, when we are on holiday and relaxing but put it alongside stuffy office and tube journeys and we struggle.
Oftentimes we actually don’t know what we want. We think we want hot weather but the reality isn’t quite right. We think we want the latest gadget but it doesn’t quite live up to the hype. We think we want to be in control but in reality we realise we can’t control it all.
So we are offered an alternative : to deny ourselves, take up our cross daily and follow. Now it doesn’t sound logical, or easy or appealing at first but if you look deeper there is a freedom within that.
We can be free from ‘self’ and selfishness.
We can pursue sacrifice -giving up the things we think are important for things much more important. Be free from collecting possessions, putting others down or not seeing their worth.
We can follow – we don’t have to be in control, in charge, have all the answers. There is someone else to take the burden of leading.
I host a life group with my husband every Thursday night. Is it convenient? No, not always. Having up to 15 people in your home, making drinks, using all the milk and tea bags.
Do I always want to do it? No, sometimes I am tired and would rather put my pyjamas on watch television and have an early night.
Do I do it? Yes. Out of duty? No. So why?
I do it because despite being tired, sometimes grumpy and often staring at the milk wondering if it will last, I know that I will get far more out of it than sitting in my pyjamas watching television.
Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another.
There is a reason we are told that. It is so easy to do. Miss a life group, miss a Sunday morning and things are all ok but we slowly become more distant and more about self.
Life group is often the highlight of my week. I love my beautiful, messy group. I say that because our lives are often messy and we bring all that together and it becomes something beautiful because we share, care, pray, comfort and show love to each other and in that beautiful things happen. People are uplifted, God is glorified, we gain a new perspective.
We share and invest in each other’s lives and it is often far from convenient but it is amazing.
So how about you is your Christianity, your faith walk about convenience or is it all about the cross?
One of my favourite songs by a band called Gungor has the lyrics ‘You make beautiful things. You make beautiful things out of the dust. You make beautiful things. You make beautiful things out of us.’
How about turning your back on convenience, facing the cross and becoming a beautiful thing?
I had a wobble this morning. The heat and being pregnant just got to me and I was crying in the kitchen before 8am and feeling I had really lost the plot.
You see, I was suddenly overwhelmed with everything that is going on over the next week and just couldn’t cope. I couldn’t manage the fact there was a delivery due today, that there is furniture being delivered to a friend’s flat over the road that I need to collect tomorrow, that our bathroom door is due to be fixed, that I am due back at work next week, that the summer holidays are coming up and we need to get the house organised for our new arrival in September.
It was like a wave hitting me all at once and I felt condemned, as if I was a failure.
A glass of water and a hug from my husband helped, as did him popping back in just after he had left for work for another hug and just to check I was ok.
As I had my shower this morning, I prayed and felt that sweet release of the perfect peace that passes all understanding wash over me and a real sense of calm.
What had happened? Yes, partly hormones, partly heat, partly pregnancy but a lot of it was to do with listening to my fears and anxieties and allowing them to take hold. Hence a rather unhealthy and demoralising response.
So Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free, and don’t get tied up again in slavery to the law
My initial response was to beat myself up about it. To condemn myself for my reaction, to berate myself, to remind myself what a failure I was for my reaction and to feel guilty and as though I had messed up all my progress with God.
Then, I opted for prayer.
It made me think about how easily we fall into the trap of believing the worst about ourselves over little things. How easily that sense of guilt can creep up on us and hold us captive.
This is not the life we are called to, this is not the freedom that was bought for us on the cross.
Freedom – something we all agree is a good thing. Something we all crave and aspire to feel that we have achieved. The issue is, we try to attain it alone and that doesn’t work. It cannot be earned through human effort but it has been earned for us though the work on the cross.
It is finished. It is completed.
I could have let the incident this morning affect my whole day. I could have given up, decided I was too unworthy to blog about faith and the Christian walk when I had so obviously failed. I could have become consumed by negative thoughts and feelings and just remained silent.
But, I didn’t. I was transformed by the renewing of my mind. Remembering that all have sinned and fallen short. Remembering that there is grace for us in our failures. Reminding myself that we are not perfect and that we will have moments of weakness and difficulty but it doesn’t have to consume us.
I chose to listen to the truth rather than the lies. I chose to pick myself up and start again rather than keep dwelling on what had happened.
How did your day begin? Did it have the start you anticipated?
If it did – great.
If it didn’t – who are you listening to right now? Are you in a place of guilt or a place of freedom?
Who are you focussing on? Yourself or the author and finisher of your faith?
There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
Be free today.
Free from guilt, free from negative thoughts and emotions, free from lies.
I am off to somewhat of a slower start this morning. I was up as usual with my husband before he went to work but decided that for me, this morning, the best thing I could do was rest.
The weekend was a very busy one. Consisting of a meal out with friends Friday evening, antenatal class Saturday morning, a garden party Saturday afternoon and a dedication at church and then a picnic afterwards on Sunday with an impromptu visit to my mum’s for the evening.
It is weekends like this that I realise I cannot be so much of the social butterfly when I am 31 weeks pregnant and the temperature is almost hitting 30c.
So, this morning began with an extra nap.
I didn’t post over the weekend – apart from the fact that I didn’t really get near my computer, I had the weekend to think about all that God has been doing and saying to me recently. Sometimes the listening is as important.
Sunday morning, I prayed in my kitchen with my husband this time as he was not on a rota this weekend and I again saw the words we prayed echoed in the prayers of the congregation as we met to pray before the service.
It was hot in church on Sunday – it didn’t stop me from giving my all in worship but it did mean I suffered from that hot weather paranoia about visible sweat patches on my back.
Our church twitter account was announced and while tweeting during the service – another local church began to tweet and retweet the sermon points I was sharing. it was good to build a link this way and encouraging.
By the end of the service I was in desperate need of a shower, sweaty, hot and uncomfortable so obviously this is the point when the pastor asked me to pray for someone. I could have said no, could have chosen not to pray from feeling uncomfortable and hot and sweaty but I didn’t.
It made me think about the fact that God does not need us to be pristine and perfect to use us and work through us. Ultimately because it is not about us but all about Him. It made me think about whether we can often say no to God because we aren’t quite feeling ready or feeling like it at that moment. It isn’t the right time, we have somewhere to be, we are not in the right place ourselves, we don’t know what to say, or how to act and actually it just feels plain uncomfortable.
The words pride and vanity come to mind. I am convicted myself by this. The ‘what about me?’ come into play all too often. The ‘there must be someone else’.How often are we missing out on blessing for ourselves and others because we are dictated by our feelings and the ‘it’s all about me’ attitude?
Hard to admit isn’t it? Ugly to admit? leaves a nasty taste, an awkward feeling. How often have we allowed this to happen?
I don’t write this to make you feel condemned. There is no condemnation. There is grace.
Grace that says to us ‘Ok, you have recognised the mistake now turn back to me.’ Grace that says ‘Hey, shall we try that again?’ Grace that says ‘Whoops – that didn’t go so well did it? How about you fix your eyes on me and we will do this together.’
So today, if you are heavily pregnant, hot and sweaty, if you are feeling overwhelmed by your to do list, if you are trying to juggle life and family and God, if you are feeling lonely, if you are feeling down. If you are trying to muddle your way through this journey we call life. If you have been a bit too ‘it’s all about me.’ there is grace for you but God is also calling you, speaking to you and asking to use you and work through you.
We don’t need to be pristine and perfect in our humanness. We cannot make ourselves that way. Jesus makes us that way through his death on the cross. It is not about us, it is all about Him.
What is God asking you to do today and what will your answer be?
As is my current routine, I have begun the morning listening to the above message. I like to start my day listening to truth and focussing my mind on God. It would be so easy just to turn the television on and get lost in the plethora of daytime shows but I have intentionally avoided this.
This message talks about the fact Jesus was fully grace and fully truth. 100 per cent truth and 100 per cent grace. It speaks of our struggle with this – that we tend to favour one over the other.
One quote that stuck with me today and got me thinking:
Everybody needs a ‘what it could be’ kind of friend in their life.
What does that mean exactly? We are often good at listening and supporting, we are probably better at offering advice and explaining exactly where they have gone wrong. We may even get to a point of frustration when they keep doing things that are detrimental to them and their life.
We look at the ‘truth’ that we know about them and we want to use it to judge them and call them out on it and say ‘stop!’
Many of us will not want to admit to this but if you really think about it , if you are really honest with yourself – you do this. We struggle to be gracious to people when we know a lot of the truth about them and their life. it makes it difficult for us.
Yet…
He sees and knows the truth about you fully, yet he fully extends grace. What you have done, what you are doing and what you are going to do.
We have access to one hundred per cent grace in spite of the the truth about us. How often do we offer the same to those around us?
How often have we focussed on the journey that someone has made instead of the mistake?
How often have we given someone hope – ‘It doesn’t have to be what it is’ instead of ‘It is what it is’
How often have we in spite of knowing the truth – offered grace
My guess is not too often, my guess is like me you have read those questions and they have made you think, maybe they have convicted you.
So what now?
As you have read this post has a name come to mind? Has a recent encounter come to mind?
To my friends and those who read this:
I want to say, I am sorry for the times I have said “It is what is.’ when I should have said ‘It doesn’t have to be what it is.’
I am sorry for the times that I have let the truths I have known about you cloud my ability to show you grace.
I want you to know that just like me you are not who you should be but you are not who you used to be.
I want to be a ‘what it could be.’ friend
I want to socially and relationally function full of grace and truth.
And… when I get it wrong, I hope there will be grace there for me.
shemakesmoments 