Tag Archives: Faith

We are called to love…

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Have read a lot of Adrian Plass recently. Completely compelling writing, tongue in cheek at times but also quite pointed. Has made me think a lot about Christianity and church.

‘The Church’ to the outside world is often viewed as a place full of pious, out of touch people who closet themselves away on a Sunday, sing hymns and feel that they are superior to everyone else.
TV does little to dispel this myth. Have seen a couple of dramas recently where the Christian character comes across as a ‘weirdo’. One of the most high profile churches in the media is Westboro Baptist known for their messages of hatred.

Church in reality is very different. I tweeted on Sunday that I had really enjoyed church because it felt like family. Now when we consider the word family, we think of different generations, personalities, characters etc who all get together and spend time together because they are related. For me, church is the same, I spend time with people of different ages to me. I love the fact that my friends would not be considered my peer group. I have learnt so much and been really supported by having friends of different ages. This is something that is often missed out on.

Also, like family there are times you fall out, people get on your nerves and it can be strained but ultimately what unites us is so much stronger than that. There is a shared mutual love and support and an inbuilt support system when things are tough.

Sometimes we get things wrong and that is because we are all broken, messy people. We don’t have it all together but we do have each other and recognise that we are better together than we are apart.

It is not an exclusive club it is an inclusive club.

Sadly, many people will not set foot in a church because of misconception, because of the message that has often been heard, because of silence when there should have been words.

Ultimately we are called to love and we all need to get that little bit better at doing just that.

Broken, messy, used to failing

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Broken, messy, used to failing. Not the adjectives you would expect to be used to describe a Christian. I would use them to describe me as a Christian.

You see the opinion a lot of people have is that Christians are pious, judgemental and have it all together. The ‘holier than thou’ approach.

Is this unfair? I don’t think it is. I think the issue is that we have forgotten how to vulnerable, forgotten that ultimately we are broken and that we need help to be fixed, we can’t do it alone and that help comes from Jesus not from working on it ourselves, by doing as many good deeds as we can in the attempt to earn goodness.

Human achievement – society is based on this concept. That everything is earned through doing enough, working hard enough, being busy enough. The problem is in the attempt to earn goodness and achieve accolades we have lost the art of vulnerability. We have created a culture where vulnerability is synonymous with weakness. We strive to out busy each other, to prove we are better than the next person. We lie about the fact that we are struggling. We pretend we don’t care about others.

I myself have fallen into this trap. Why? Because I am broken and messy and at times I fail.

We don’t like the word fail but the truth is that we all do but rarely will we acknowledge it to ourselves let alone others.

In the church we have become adept at hiding our failures from one another. Forgetting the very reason we are there. We need to return to a culture of vulnerability. We need to be prepared to say to each other that we are broken and messy and that we fail. That we can’t fix it all ourselves.

If we don’t, there is the danger that we create a place where people feel they have to live up to a certain set of standards to belong and that is far from the church we are called to be.

We need to be prepared to say to the world that we don’t have it all together, that we struggle, that we don’t have all the answers, that life is hard. We need to be vulnerable. We are no better, we are not ‘holier than thou’.

We need to display that we love each other in our messes, in our troubles, in our failures. We need to show that ultimately we love.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t live out of my brokeness but I know I have brokeness. I don’t live feeling a failure but I know I fail. I don’t call myself a mess but my life can be messy.

Vulnerability is hard because it means being susceptible to attack because you let people in to your life as it is without hiding anything.

I think that means being prepared to die to self doesn’t it? forgoing reputation?

This post is my first step towards true vulnerability. What will yours be?

5 things I am tired of people saying…

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I am currently 17 weeks pregnant. When I announced the news publicly on Facebook most people missed it as apparently I was too subtle. Posting my scan picture was not for me so I posted the picture below:

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I have since discovered that everyone I meet is a pregnancy expert and wishes to share their wealth of knowledge with me, while I am entirely grateful that I have people to talk things through with, there are 5 things I’m tired of people saying:

1. ‘Your life will never be the same!’ (with an added look of glee)
Actually, do you know what? I really believe that my life will carry on just as it is. I hadn’t taken into account the thought that things would be different. Excuse the sarcasm but stating the obvious isn’t helpful. Also, why is everyone suddenly so happy at the notion I will have to change my life and at the fact that I have no idea what is coming? It isn’t exactly encouraging.

2. ‘ Have you felt the baby yet?’
No, the answer is no and now I am starting to get anxious about it. Actually, it is completely normal for me not to have yet. How about waiting for me to tell you about it?

3. ‘Have you decided on names, what are they?
Yes, names are decided. No I am not telling you. I am allowed some secrets. The likelihood is you won’t approve of my choices and I’d rather not see your ‘really?’ face.

4. ‘Don’t plan anything in advance, you don’t know how you’ll be.’
Ok, I will just assume that I need to stay in my house for 12 months after the birth. Again, this isn’t encouraging. Yes, it will be different but it doesn’t mean I am not allowed to do things. For me, having some things planned will give me things to work towards.

5. ‘Insert birth horror story here…’
All births are different. Yes, I am aware that it isn’t all fluffy clouds and rainbows but going into minute detail about all the complications, difficulties and issues that were encountered isn’t going to help me.

Don’t get me wrong, I love that people want to talk about it and share and be part of the whole thing but I am still me as well. I haven’t become just a pregnant woman. I am still able to talk about anything and everything.

Also, I am anxious enough as it is and dealing with that. What would be really helpful is for you to talk about all of the good things about being a parent. How about sharing some of your joys and happy memories?

Be, Say, Do -reassessing

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I haven’t blogged for a long while. This is mostly because somewhere along the way I lost my voice. It became swamped by the strains and stresses of life and I fell silent.

I have just got back from Spring Harvest, a Christian Conference. The theme was – Be, Say, Do. Somewhere over that week I found my voice again. I spoke in discussion groups, jumped up on stage to sing with Andy Flannagan and had discussions with my friends about all we were learning and what we wanted to change.
I have a notebook full of notes that I need to now re read and summarise. I have books to read and I have a desire to hold onto my voice.
Be
A lot of questions have been raised for me about who and what I am going to be. How I am going to be. I question whether in all aspects of my online and offline life I have been authentic. What does that really mean and how do you ensure it? This is something I will be exploring more.
Say
I believe we all have a natural filter, things we say and things that we hold back. I realise now that I have often held back in encouragement. I do and have always encouraged but not enough. I have remained silent when I could have brought words that would have helped and uplifted others. This is something I want to change. I have also stayed silent when I should have made sure my voice was one to be heard. This is also something I want to work on.
Do
I realised when I was away that the main thing I do is work. I know that balance is important but also I have written off a lot of what I do at work as if it is unimportant. I have conversations with young people everyday who are marginalised and feel unimportant and I invest in them.
I also recognise there are times when I have withdrawn and kept myself to myself when I could have been out doing. I recognise now that I have often built things up and felt that doing meant something huge, something really time consuming and it isn’t about that.
I have massively over complicated what is really simple. So over the next few months I am going to work on simplifying and not tying myself in knots.
How do you feel about Be, Say, Do?

Wednesday Woes

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Have you ever had one of those days where you can’t do right for doing wrong?

Today, I had to go to our primary school to observe potential students for September.

I should have known when I left the house in the rain. My boots leaked so my feet were soaked by the time I arrived at the bus stop. I then had to wait 30 minutes for a bus.

I was chilled to the bone by the time I arrived but the observations went really well.

Work was another matter lots of moaning behind closed doors and emails flying around.

When I went out to do lunch duty, I wanted to burst into tears. A combination of no sleep and a constant barrage of negativity from colleagues had taken its toll.

At that point one of our lower functioning students grabbed my arm, tapped me and ran away. I realised he wanted me to chase him and we played it for the rest of lunch.

That one moment saved me today. That student who cannot communicate verbally recognised that I needed help and offered it through playing it.

It almost broke my heart. That he had sensed so much and yet, grown adults who should know better didn’t or just ignored.

I had my appraisal, it was very positive.

I got back to my computer and had a number of emails that nearly sent me over the edge.

What upsets me the most, is that I am approachable. I had a meeting with a staff member after school to listen to concerns and offer advice and some practical solutions.

One of the emails was verging on the abusive. The other I was cc’d into about an issue that had not been raised with me and they were going above my head with.

It makes me sad. I have cried this evening out of frustration, disappointment and exhaustion.

The best thing is to get a good night’s sleep and a fresh perspective.

Tomorrow is an early start to travel across London for training.

That student’s kindness will linger with me, it pulled me back from the edge, just enough. Just enough to take a breath and manage the rest of the day.

Two days out and then the weekend will help.

New week, new start from Monday.

I started the day posting:

‘Sometimes the only one to encourage you is you.’

Luckily for me, I had encouragement from another source.

Be yourself

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Image courtesy of [Master isolated] / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”

‘Be yourself everyone else is already taken’ Oscar Wilde

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about what it means to be yourself. I often comment that I am not feeling myself today, but what do I mean when I say that?

I think sometimes we have this idea that there are people who don’t care what people think of them, experience complete freedom in thought, word and deed, never experience anxiety or worry. This idea that there are people who can go through life, day by day, unaffected by the comments of others or their own analysis of situations.

I think this is a myth.

Deep down, we do care about others opinions of us, despite our protestations to the contrary. We are relational beings, as much as we may strive for independence and to do it all alone. We can’t.
We need other people, each other, relationship.

The thing is, because of this need for relationship we often spend our time trying to craft ourselves into the person we think others want us to be. We have a created ideal.

I need to appear strong, not too needy. I shouldn’t talk about myself too much and make sure I listen. I mustn’t appear too grumpy or angry, but on the overhand, I need to ensure I am not overly emotional. Being classified as emotional is close to be written off in our strange, created ideal.

Where do these ideals come from and why do we insist on maintaining them? Why do we have a natural bent towards criticism rather than encouragement? Judgement rather than grace? Fault finding rather than recognition of strength?

We need to start with ourselves, accepting who we are, what being ourselves means for us.

So I am going to tell you who I am, what being myself is for me.

I am emotional. I have highs and lows. In the highs, I experience euphoria and am able to take on most things that are thrown on me, I can give and give and give and feel no effect. In the lows, I feel lethargic, begin to second guess everything and everyone. I misread situations and withdraw.

I experience stress, anger and frustration. I can be very vocal about how I am feeling and my default expression of emotion is tears. When I am happy, sad, angry, frustrated, tired, I cry.

I love to spend time with people, but I can be affected by the moods and attitudes of others. I worry about what people think, my appearance, finances, health and the future.

I expect the best of myself all of the time and will often beat myself up about the slightest of errors. If I speak out of turn, I replay the moment continuously and cringe at my behaviour.

I giggle a lot, sing at every opportunity and find any opportunity I can to smile.

The authentic me is the person I have described above. I don’t think she sounds too bad actually.

What about the authentic you? What does being yourself mean for you?
Leave a comment, tell me who you are, let’s start destroying the myth and start enjoying being ourselves.

Finally Friday

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“Image courtesy of [James Barker] / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”.

Today, I went to work dressed a pirate. Children in Need, meant that we had a fancy dress day. The students gave me an A for effort and it caused a lot of amusement.

I then spent the next four hours hiding away in the meeting room, with the HLTA, writing medium term plans for our new curriculum. I had the radio on and they were playing Christmas songs, plus I was sat in a Tri corner hat with red feather edging. It was a surreal day to say the least.

Being in Ofsted ready mode is taking its toll. There is so much that needs to be in place, paperwork that needs updating, plans that need adapting, new courses that we are implementing. It feels never ending.

Today, I felt I could breathe and it was also acknowledged what I have been doing and that I am making good progress. Extra support has been put in place in terms of time and resources and I feel we are getting somewhere.

Next week, I am only in for two days, I am visiting our primary school to observe students who will be joining us in September and then on Read Write Inc training. My week will be quite disjointed and I am not sure how that makes me feel.

Sometimes, I think I am the only person who can’t switch off. My mind is like a constant treadmill.

Tonight, is Friday night. I finished reading WarHorse for book club a couple of hours ago. I am looking forward to a few glasses of wine and a good discussion with friends. This will put me more at ease, help me to transition into the weekend. Help me to relax.

Our Internet is fixed, so we are back connected to the world.

The John Lewis Chrsitmas advert has just been on and set me off again, have already cried my eyes out reading WarHorse.

I am definitely on a journey to be more accepting of myself, my emotional nature, my quirks. I need to learn to let things go, to pause, to rest.

Thankfully, I know that He who began a good work in me, will carry it on to completion.
I have the weekend to spend with those who nourish me, support me, remind me that the me I so often beat myself up about being is the me that they love.

Have a great weekend.

Busyness

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‘Beware the barreness of a busy life.’ Socrates

I read this quote yesterday and it really hit home.

Recently, I have felt quite overwhelmed by the amount of work I seem to have piling up, by the fact I have no free weekends until after Christmas and just by the fact that I don’t feel I have time to breathe.

For the past two days we have had no internet at home. This has meant I have not been able to work at home. It has been unnerving but in a way quite freeing.

Tonight, I even read some of my book we are discussing at book club tomorrow night. I might even get it finished in time.

You see, I have lost perspective, become blinkered and it needs to stop.

At our senior management meeting tonight, I said it as was, said that I was concerned about the lack of evidence I could find of paperwork and  student work. Concerned by the lack of support from staff when there is an incident.

I was listened to. Offered support and strategies and it was recognised that I am constantly problem solving for everyone.

Part of the problem is that I do try to do it all and I can’t. The other thing is, I now need to practice tough love.

This is where I need to work on my courage and strength.

I have been over emotional this week and not myself.

Tomorrow night, I have book club. This is something I started and run to ensure that I remember to still have a life outside of work.

Saturday, I am off to The Southbank to meet friends and go out for lunch.Making sure busyness does not leave me with barreness.

Sunday, I will be at church as Godmother to my friends daughter as she is dedicated. I am still moved and taken a back that I was asked.

Sometimes, I wonder how people do life without church. The support network and depth of relationship I share with people there is something that I could not live without.

The fact that I know I have people upholding me in prayer each day and people checking in on how I am on a daily basis.

Even when it is hard, I know I am not alone.

I will continue fighting the barreness of a busy life.

Teaching Tuesday

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Everyone was tired at work today. The Post Parents’ Eve slump had well and truly kicked in.
There were the usual rumblings from people about feeling ill, preparing for days off tomorrow no doubt.

My tolerance levels were low today. My ability to hide behind smiles was pretty much non existent.

My students were aware that all was not right. Sometimes it frightens me how they can read me like a book!

Lunchtime, I played football with some of the boys. These are often some of my favourite moments with the students. Being out of class and having fun. They have accepted I have a level of skill now and let me have a turn in goal!

We had a pilates session after work, first of a series of sessions that have been organised by work to help us manage stress. I am glad I signed up, I think it is going to do me good.

Prior to that, I managed to fit in a twenty minute meeting with a member of staff who needed some reassurance.

Times like this, I get very frustrated with myself. I beat myself up about not doing the best for my students, in that they can pick up on my mood and I am not getting things done at warp speed as usual.

I don’t like having to accept that I have limits. I don’t like having to admit I am human at times.

In my mind, there is always more that I could do.

That’s the thing about teaching. The students get under your skin, they linger in your mind.

I wouldn’t have it any other way. The moment that stops, I know it is time to stop.

Until then, I live to fight another day. Roll on Wednesday, what do you have in store?

How are you feeling?

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It is also quite interesting coming back to write a blog after a couple of days break. I feel I have lost my groove somewhat.

This weekend was very busy. Saturday we went to London to stay in a hotel and to see Les Mis. I had won a competition and this was the prize.

Sunday morning, I was leading worship so we left the hotel just after breakfast and then after church, It was time for planning and making resources.

I haven’t been sleeping well recently, waking up in the middle of the night remembering something that I need to do and then not being able to switch off.

When the alarm went this morning, I was less than impressed. As well as teaching a full day, it was parents’ evening. I don’t dislike parents’ evening. I do dislike it on a Monday.

I probably share the thoughts of a lot of you regarding Mondays. It is a time to get settled into the week, a day to set your pace for the week. I feel like I have been thrown off kilter and will spend the rest of the week catching up.

The evening went well, I had books for parents to look at, half term assessments, I was able to talk in detail about the students.

Yet tonight, I sit here barely able to keep my eyes open. A few of my students asked me if I was ok today, one if them gave me their analysis of how I was feeling from reading my face.

The truth is, I don’t know how I am feeling. I don’t feel myself. I feel faint and lethargic and drained of all energy. I appear pale in my complexion and am unsteady on my feet. Part of me has concerns that my fainting and blackout episodes are going to start again.

Times like this it would be easy to spiral, to almost give up. This is when I have to cling to my faith. To focus on what I know and not how I am feeling. My feelings are fickle, changeable, unreliable.

One of my favourite verses is from Jeremiah ‘I know the plans I have for you, declares The Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a future and hope.’

When I begin to feel as though I can’t go on, or life is overwhelming, I read this verse and hold on to the truth.

I have a future and hope.