Half term has arrived and with it conjunctivitis for little man. When I arrived home after work yesterday he looked like he had done a few rounds in the boxing ring. Thankfully the eye drops are helping but when you’re 2 years old and constantly touching your face and eyes it is no fun at all.
We had a 5:30am start this morning. Mornings like these I am grateful that we have catch up tv and Bing on series record. It was a morning of television and snuggling and dozing.
CBeebies whether you love it or hate it does serve an excellent purpose on days like this especially if you steer what is watched.
Little man then perked up after his eye drops and a quiet start to the day.
I had a few messages from a friend going through a bit of a rough patch and was able to send love and encouragement. Taking the time to be thoughtful in my responses and make sure they knew I was completely for them all the way.
Another friend visited us and we spoke for a while about a very difficult and heartbreaking situation and took the time to listen and to care and not offer any solution or way forward as sometimes there just isn’t one and it has to be worked through and out in a messy way.
We went to spend time with friends we haven’t seen for a long while and were able to reconnect and let them know they are still very much a part of who we are.
Today it has been about making time to listen and to talk. For a while, I had neglected doing that. Living only in my head and not being fully myself or really letting anyone in.
Today was about being open and being confident in who I am, not shying away from the world.
Today was about letting people know they are loved and important and cared for deeply.
Ok, so I know it isn’t pancake day anymore but it was life group night and pancake day this week so it had to be done.
This week has been trying and challenging. At the beginning of it tonight seemed like a distant dream never to arrive.
Tonight I sat round the table with a small amount of people who have the biggest impact on my life. We made pancakes, we laughed, we talked, we posed those questions we all usually keep in our heads like :
‘Why do we find it so difficult to be real with others?’
‘Why is being vulnerable and revealing our true self so hard?’
Why do we constantly pretend we have it all together and only let people know we are struggling when we reach the end of our rope?’
These people are those I am my most real and my most raw with, my warts and all people, my take me as I am people.
These people change my life on a daily basis.
Tonight, there was no where I would rather have been than sat in my kitchen making pancakes.
I have been wanting to write this for a while but I have as usual been procrastinating and convincing myself out of it. Have you noticed how easy that is to do? You wake up with the best of intentions but as the day wears on you lose your resolve, those thoughts creep in, they take over.
I need to tell you that you matter, you matter all the time, every day, even when you don’t feel it. I need you to know that those moments when you reach the end of yourself and you wonder if anyone will ever see the real you, or if anyone really cares about where you are right at that minute, or if you could ever begin to say it all out loud, that I see you and that I am ready to hear it all.
I want to thank you for every moment of yourself that you have given away to look after, care for and love other people. Every one of those moments matters and is noticed even if you don’t see it.
I know there are times when you question yourself, when you wonder if you will ever understand the craziness and chaos of this life, you feel you get it wrong more often than you get it right and at times it takes all that you are just to get out of bed in the morning and face the day. But you do it.
I want to ask you to be kinder to yourself, don’t re think every decision or replay every conversation and pick apart what you did and how you could have done better, the truth is you’re doing fine. All that time you spend focussing on pulling yourself apart you lose sight of all that you are, you dull pieces of yourself and every piece of you is essential and needed and beautiful.
You are loved, you are needed, you are wanted.
You – the you that you hide away,
the you that you try everything to avoid being,
the you that this world needs.
From me x