Author Archives: shemakesmoments

And so it begins… again

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So, tomorrow a new term begins. After having a week off, I now go back to being a teacher. It is strange how much changes when work starts up again. I already know what I am teaching and when up until Christmas, I have a meeting schedule running through my brain and Parents’ evening on the horizon.

It would be a lie to say I am not a little apprehensive. We are on Ofsted standby, we have a Christmas production to film, I already know we are short staffed tomorrow. I also have my hospital appointment which means I am nil by mouth from 7am tomorrow.

I am looking forward to seeing the students again. You see, it may sound trite or cheesy but for me my job (vocation) is all about the students. I have a holistic approach to my teaching, one that was at times frowned upon as I was not solely driven by targets.

Being senior teacher, a large percentage of my week is spent listening, listening to students in crisis, listening to their complaints, listening to their fears. It is one of my favourite parts of my job. I have been criticised for having too much of a ‘milk and cookies’ approach and not being punitive enough. I will take that. I am not a soft touch, I have high expectations of the students my approach is just different and it works for me. There is no ‘one size fits all’ approach in teaching, your personality plays a large part.

I spent a lot of my life adapting and changing to fit into what people wanted of me. I am no longer prepared to do that.

Criticism is a large part of teaching, when I did my PGCE my tutor said I was ‘too emotional to be a teacher.’ I have no idea what he meant, I took it as a statement to rail against.

You can have a heart and be a teacher, in fact, I would argue you can’t be a teacher without heart.

Tomorrow, the journey begins once again. I will say this evening, that I am going to have more of a work/life balance this half term, that I won’t work until 9pm every night, that I won’t get burdened by the grumbles and complaints, that I won’t answer emails at 11pm but I know deep down that I will struggle. Being a teacher is 24/7.

So to all of my fellow educationalists, here’s to a new term. Let’s make the best of it. Let’s enjoy it more, but most of all let’s support each other.

‘Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just in fact as you are doing.’ 1 Thessalonians 5:11

I would appreciate your prayers for my hospital appointment 🙂

Over and Above

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Yesterday, We drove back from our holiday. Over six hours in the car and we didn’t want to kill each other, I am sure that is some kind of record!

We had barely been back when I received a text inviting us out for dinner. After a week away we were ready for a catch up with friends. We went to a pub for a meal and drinks.

Mistakes were made with our order, the starter turned up cold which when it is baked cheese is not good. However, instead of the usual apology, we received a new starter, free cocktail and free bottle of wine (not just the house wine either) this was a huge gesture in my eyes. Yes, you can say they were hoping for return custom and saving reputation but despite that, for me it was over and above.

I started thinking about the concept of going over and above and I was trying to remember when I last did that for someone and I was found wanting. Don’t get me wrong, I help people out, encourage people and like to think that I am a good friend, but I have been a little minimalist recently I feel.

It is easy isn’t it when you aren’t to happy with yourself to start making excuses, I have been busy at work, my health hasn’t been so good recently, I don’t have time etc…

The thing is, it doesn’t wash with me. Those things will often be true in my life, if I wait for a time when I am not busy, or fully healthy or feeling rested then I have a feeling it will never come.

It brings me back to the word sacrifice. Quite strong isn’t it? Not one we like to think of, seems extreme like it belongs in a super hero or action film.

The thing is, I think there needs to be more of it. Not in the sense of performing sacrifices or anything macabre like that but in terms of people making sacrifices for others.

When was the last time you went over and above?

What about your friend who has been on the quiet side recently, have you text them? Called? Made attempts to find out why?

What about those on the fringes of your social group or without family close by? Have you invited them for a meal? To the pub? Cinema? Coffee?

I am of course talking to myself as much as anyone else here.

It is so easy to become cocooned, to be closeted in our own little world. Maintaining surface relationships, doing the bare minimum. Is it satisfying? Short term probably. Long term I am not sure.

I am setting myself a challenge over the next few weeks, before Christmas, to go over and above more often. To go out of my way to do things for people. To stop hiding in my cocoon.

I don’t know how it will turn out, but that isn’t a reason not to try.

So who wants to join me?

Trusting I will be ok whatever happens

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Today is the 1st November. The start of a new month. The rundown to Christmas.

I look back over this year and wonder where it has gone, not that it hasn’t been packed full of memories.

I am busy making more memories on holiday this week. Laughing, crying (mostly at films) being myself.

When I say being myself, I mean feeling relaxed, not filtering everything I say through a ‘will that sound right?’ thought process that often renders me silent. I am not constantly replaying conversations and incidents at work in my mind micro analysing. I don’t have a constant tension headache.

It is something I need to work on when I am back at work. Something I need to be mindful of.

The Monday I go back to work I need to leave early to go to a hospital appointment. Earlier in the year I started feeling dizzy, then fainting, then having blackouts.

I have seen a cardiologist, had a heart scan and no answers, my ecgs show an abnormality but it is benign. I am now going to have a tilt test.

I have low blood pressure, I always have. This test will be another route to establishing why I faint/blackout.

I have had dizziness but no collapses for months. Then, out of the blue on Monday when we got in, I started feeling dizzy and the next.thing I knew I am sat on the floor and grey/white with all the colour drained and my heart beating rapidly and chest pain.

This scared me because part of me thought it had stopped, that it was over. I now realise it hasn’t and it makes me apprehensive.

I have my test on Monday and then I see the cardiologist in a month’s time.

Am I hoping for answers? Yes. Am I guaranteed them? No.

So what do I do? Do I over analyse? Do I just go back to how things were before? Do I plump for a little denial?

Life is hard at times, there aren’t always simple answers. At times we struggle. At times we don’t.

I don’t know what I am going to do. I know that I want to trust that whatever happens I will be ok. I know that I want to start enjoying life more and by that I mean even the mundane moments.

Who’s with me?

Hiding from silence

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When was the last time that you experienced silence? I mean, no talking, no TV, no Internet, no phone -no noise? Maybe when you were asleep? Did you check your phone the moment you woke up?

Sounds ridiculous when it is said out loud, how much time we spend surrounded by noise.

We watch films instead of reading books, we send tweets instead of having a conversation, we write a blog rather than a diary. Convenience, the need to be occupied, the idea of a 24/7 society.

There are of course positives of this, being able to communicate with people on the other side of the world, being more aware of situations in other countries, being able to share resources to name but a few.

What about the negatives? What about the relationships that are being eroded in real life because we invest so much time online? What about the fact we spend more time staring at a screen than looking at someone during a face to face conversation.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that you cannot develop meaningful friendships online but should they involve the a sacrifice of  relationships with family and friends?

I honestly can’t remember the last time I had a phone conversation that was longer than about ten minutes. Text messages have become the norm – they are quicker, faster, more convenient.

I am currently on holiday, miles away from home. Taking a break from the busyness, the noise.
Yes, I am still using social media, yes I am still blogging but, I am having longer periods of quiet, of silence. Going for walks, sitting and looking at scenery. Listening to the wind blow leaves from the trees, watching the sunlight catch across the windowpane.

Moments without noise. I have also been reading books, in silence, without the television or radio on as accompaniment as is my usual habit. This habit grew out of finding silence scary.

At a recent conference I went to #CNMAC12 @digitalnun said that ‘Silence can be scary but it can also be healing.’

This concept really stuck with me and made me honestly think and question how much time I spent hiding from silence in noise and why I was hiding from it?

For me, it was fear. Fear of silence. The inability to be still. The frightening concept of being alone with my thoughts.

The thing is, if we are never alone with our thoughts then we begin to lose an essential part of who we are. We begin to fill ourselves full of the noise, ideas and opinions that are all around us and fail to take the time to develop our own. We lose our sense of creativity. We lose the essence of us.

Silence can be healing, it can be the opportunity to get back to who we really are, to remove all the additions, to remove all the distractions and just to be. To sit with our thoughts.

Are you hiding from the silence?

The old has gone…

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Today, I have been reading a book where the main character has the option of going back and changing the past.

This is not a new premise, it is one that is often used and discussed.

It has made me question – why?

We often think back to the past, with that rosy haze believing things were better, that we were happier. We seek to relive past moments, memories that have stuck.

Or, maybe the past didn’t have those moments and everything has a default back to it. We are desperate to escape from it but let it continually play in our minds like a smeared residue on a glass that refuses to be removed.

Think about now. Ok, there is a list of things that could be better? What about what is good right now? Take a moment.

This is something I have been challenging myself to do. My thoughts so easily fall back into old patterns. It is not healthy and it is not helpful.

When it gets tough, I hold on to the promise…

‘This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!’

It is a daily process, I don’t always find it easy. I do love the freedom it gives, the opportunity to be the real me.

Do you find that you live in the past?
Do you focus on what could be better?
Do you recognise what is good in your life right now?

Moments

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‘He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul.‘  Psalm 23:2-3

Today, I went on a four and a half mile walk. I knew that I needed to get out and ‘blow the cobwebs away’ as my late grandad used to say.

You see, I have been living in my mind a bit too much recently, thinking, over-thinking, analysing, over- analysing. Getting lost in my thoughts. I don’t know if you can relate? Times like these, I know that I need to get out into nature.

Have you ever noticed how much a good walk can change your mindset? Sometimes, a cup of tea just doesn’t suffice when it comes to making things better.

The day started off cloudy, a bit like the fog going on in my mind, but as I walked some blue sky began to show and then bright sunshine beamed down. So much so, that at one point I had to remove my coat, in October!

I realised how much I had been beating myself up over things,  how much emphasis I was placing on work. It was becoming my measure for everything.

I let go of that today. My sense of worth and self does not come from work – thank goodness, but I had lost sight of it.

I had become stuck in a rut internally. Scolding myself over things I could do better. Replying scenarios. If we are not careful, we all do this.

As I walked today, I took time to notice the little things. The sound of the water, the colour of the leaves, the feel of a cooling breeze across my face. I enjoyed the moments.

I know that I need to talk more. That I internalise too much. I had a chance to take stock.

I am grateful for that chance. Grateful for that opportunity to restore my soul.

What do you need to take stock of today?

Which moments do you need to take time to enjoy?

Overcoming

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I have just finished watching the film ‘Soul surfer’ the story of Bethany Hamilton. She lost an arm in a shark attack and yet still became a professional surfer.

One of the main themes of the film is that of overcoming.

It got me thinking about overcoming and that throughout life each of us is attempting to overcome something.

It may not be as extreme as a shark attack but it may be overcoming an obstacle, overcoming our own fears, overcoming our past, overcoming a health issue, financial issues, redundancy, bereavement.

Today, I think there are people who will read this post and it will strike a chord. To those people, I want you to know that you are not alone.

We are all striving, we are all working on something, battling something, we are all imperfect.

Let’s stop pretending. Let’s stop answering ‘I’m fine’ when it isn’t true. I am not condoning pity parties but simply asking that we talk more.

There are numerous times when the right words from someone have turned my whole day around.

Who should you be talking to?
Who could you be listening to?

When my obstacles seek to overwhelm me, when I begin to lose hope, I lift my eyes to one who is greater than all of those things.

To those who are overcoming – my prayers are with you today.

‘In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.’ John 16:33

In it for the long haul

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Yesterday, school finished for half term. One week of rest, one week away.

The funny thing is, the closer we got to the end of the day, more love was being shown by students.

We have a phrase called ‘team hugs’ where I work. This describes an appropriate show of care.

Yesterday, I got team hugs from two of our most difficult and complex students along with ‘Thank you for everything miss!’

There are moments, days and sometimes weeks in teaching when it is a slog, hard going and you question why?

All of that is worth it for the short moments I had with those two students today.

People know when you genuinely care about them. They know if you are being authentic or just going through the motions. You can’t be in it for recognition, it doesn’t work like that.

It’s a long haul thing, there are no short cuts. It is consistent day in, day out actions, despite the response.

I do my best to act out of care and love. I don’t always get it right. I make mistakes but I don’t let the mistakes define me.

There is something powerful about genuine love.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1 Corinthians 13:7 ESV

Encourage

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Thursday night, I am usually shattered, ready for an early night, wanting to hide myself away from the world. We all feel this way at times.

Instead, I host up to 12 people at my house for life group, we meet  to chat, worship, pray and discuss. I meet with a group of friends, who feel like family to talk about what I am struggling  with, what is going well, what I want to do.

Their love, support and prayer enables me to cope in the difficult times, to enjoy the happy times, to cry in the miserable times and to maintain my hope.

Let’s face it life is hard, being a Christian is a challenging.

I am a Christian, that doesn’t mean I am perfect, it certainly doesn’t make me better than anyone else and it doesn’t mean I have it all together.

Each Thursday, I am encouraged to let go of the masks we so often wear, to be open, honest and vulnerable, to be the real me. The me I was created to be.

This should be scary but it allows me to be free.

We all need the opportunity to share and be listened to, to tell our story. To be honest about who we are and where we are at.

Encouragement is so important, it is something that is often lacking in our day to day lives. We need to do it more. We need to look after each other.

‘So encourage one another and build each other up, just as you are doing.’  1 Thessalonians 5:11

What do you think about encouragement?

When were you last encouraged?

When did you last encourage others?

Tough Day

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This is the last week of an eight week half term. I have been teaching for ten years so my body is trained to know when half term is and usually responds by shutting down and I develop what I like to call end of term itus.

This year, half term is a week later than usual. This probably sounds pretty minor, but it has a huge impact on my body and my ability to function. It is also a well known fact in the educational community that the last week of half term or a full term are the toughest. Staff are tired, students are tired and that mix is not good.

Today, I spent three hours of my day standing outside in the cold, assisting my colleagues de-escalate a child in crisis. This was emotionally demanding and required me to be a decision maker. I was also conscious of staff well being and was ensuring staff had breaks and were doing ok.

Managing staff and their emotions is tough, taking on other people’s worries and concerns can become draining and you can begin to feel empty.

 This evening, I am emotionally exhausted. I could barely hold a pen at the end of the day. The student is safe, happy and well.

 Days like today are hard going and it is so easy to just shut down and switch off. What I have learnt is that is exactly times like these that I should be talking and making sure my thoughts are in check.

It would be easy to become despondent and to give up, to say that it is not worth the effort.

The thing is, I do think that it is worth it, despite what happens. This is because I am secure in the knowledge that I have purpose and a hope.

It is on days like this that I am so glad that I can look to one who is greater than me. That I can bring all of my failings, all of my worries to a God who cares.

‘Cast your cares on The Lord and he will sustain you’ Psalm 55:22

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