Today is the 1st November. The start of a new month. The rundown to Christmas.
I look back over this year and wonder where it has gone, not that it hasn’t been packed full of memories.
I am busy making more memories on holiday this week. Laughing, crying (mostly at films) being myself.
When I say being myself, I mean feeling relaxed, not filtering everything I say through a ‘will that sound right?’ thought process that often renders me silent. I am not constantly replaying conversations and incidents at work in my mind micro analysing. I don’t have a constant tension headache.
It is something I need to work on when I am back at work. Something I need to be mindful of.
The Monday I go back to work I need to leave early to go to a hospital appointment. Earlier in the year I started feeling dizzy, then fainting, then having blackouts.
I have seen a cardiologist, had a heart scan and no answers, my ecgs show an abnormality but it is benign. I am now going to have a tilt test.
I have low blood pressure, I always have. This test will be another route to establishing why I faint/blackout.
I have had dizziness but no collapses for months. Then, out of the blue on Monday when we got in, I started feeling dizzy and the next.thing I knew I am sat on the floor and grey/white with all the colour drained and my heart beating rapidly and chest pain.
This scared me because part of me thought it had stopped, that it was over. I now realise it hasn’t and it makes me apprehensive.
I have my test on Monday and then I see the cardiologist in a month’s time.
Am I hoping for answers? Yes. Am I guaranteed them? No.
So what do I do? Do I over analyse? Do I just go back to how things were before? Do I plump for a little denial?
Life is hard at times, there aren’t always simple answers. At times we struggle. At times we don’t.
I don’t know what I am going to do. I know that I want to trust that whatever happens I will be ok. I know that I want to start enjoying life more and by that I mean even the mundane moments.
Who’s with me?