Over and Above

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Yesterday, We drove back from our holiday. Over six hours in the car and we didn’t want to kill each other, I am sure that is some kind of record!

We had barely been back when I received a text inviting us out for dinner. After a week away we were ready for a catch up with friends. We went to a pub for a meal and drinks.

Mistakes were made with our order, the starter turned up cold which when it is baked cheese is not good. However, instead of the usual apology, we received a new starter, free cocktail and free bottle of wine (not just the house wine either) this was a huge gesture in my eyes. Yes, you can say they were hoping for return custom and saving reputation but despite that, for me it was over and above.

I started thinking about the concept of going over and above and I was trying to remember when I last did that for someone and I was found wanting. Don’t get me wrong, I help people out, encourage people and like to think that I am a good friend, but I have been a little minimalist recently I feel.

It is easy isn’t it when you aren’t to happy with yourself to start making excuses, I have been busy at work, my health hasn’t been so good recently, I don’t have time etc…

The thing is, it doesn’t wash with me. Those things will often be true in my life, if I wait for a time when I am not busy, or fully healthy or feeling rested then I have a feeling it will never come.

It brings me back to the word sacrifice. Quite strong isn’t it? Not one we like to think of, seems extreme like it belongs in a super hero or action film.

The thing is, I think there needs to be more of it. Not in the sense of performing sacrifices or anything macabre like that but in terms of people making sacrifices for others.

When was the last time you went over and above?

What about your friend who has been on the quiet side recently, have you text them? Called? Made attempts to find out why?

What about those on the fringes of your social group or without family close by? Have you invited them for a meal? To the pub? Cinema? Coffee?

I am of course talking to myself as much as anyone else here.

It is so easy to become cocooned, to be closeted in our own little world. Maintaining surface relationships, doing the bare minimum. Is it satisfying? Short term probably. Long term I am not sure.

I am setting myself a challenge over the next few weeks, before Christmas, to go over and above more often. To go out of my way to do things for people. To stop hiding in my cocoon.

I don’t know how it will turn out, but that isn’t a reason not to try.

So who wants to join me?

Trusting I will be ok whatever happens

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Today is the 1st November. The start of a new month. The rundown to Christmas.

I look back over this year and wonder where it has gone, not that it hasn’t been packed full of memories.

I am busy making more memories on holiday this week. Laughing, crying (mostly at films) being myself.

When I say being myself, I mean feeling relaxed, not filtering everything I say through a ‘will that sound right?’ thought process that often renders me silent. I am not constantly replaying conversations and incidents at work in my mind micro analysing. I don’t have a constant tension headache.

It is something I need to work on when I am back at work. Something I need to be mindful of.

The Monday I go back to work I need to leave early to go to a hospital appointment. Earlier in the year I started feeling dizzy, then fainting, then having blackouts.

I have seen a cardiologist, had a heart scan and no answers, my ecgs show an abnormality but it is benign. I am now going to have a tilt test.

I have low blood pressure, I always have. This test will be another route to establishing why I faint/blackout.

I have had dizziness but no collapses for months. Then, out of the blue on Monday when we got in, I started feeling dizzy and the next.thing I knew I am sat on the floor and grey/white with all the colour drained and my heart beating rapidly and chest pain.

This scared me because part of me thought it had stopped, that it was over. I now realise it hasn’t and it makes me apprehensive.

I have my test on Monday and then I see the cardiologist in a month’s time.

Am I hoping for answers? Yes. Am I guaranteed them? No.

So what do I do? Do I over analyse? Do I just go back to how things were before? Do I plump for a little denial?

Life is hard at times, there aren’t always simple answers. At times we struggle. At times we don’t.

I don’t know what I am going to do. I know that I want to trust that whatever happens I will be ok. I know that I want to start enjoying life more and by that I mean even the mundane moments.

Who’s with me?